California Transplant

I am a transplant from California. Like many life-long Californians I’d had grown dismayed as my beloved state became overcrowded, dirty and hopelessly expensive. I was driving around the parking lot of a family-owned video store one Saturday and I kept going in circles looking for a parking spot. Around and around I went. After almost 10 minutes, I gave up and decided I needed to move. This was not just a spontaneous decision. I had been growing restless and discontented for some time: the half-hour commute to travel less than one mile on Pacific Coast Highway, the endless lines at the movie theatre, the cost of booze – it all added up to less and less fun; more mind-numbing routines of waiting.

About the time I had steeled my resolve to move, I was seduced by a young Chinese woman from Carrollton who just happened to work for American Airlines. We met on the internet before it became the socially cool thing to do. Back then, you had to be married or ugly to be desperate enough to go looking for love online. Though, truthfully, I think we both wanted to just get laid.

She flew me out to Texas for about $20 bucks, forced me to drink alcohol, then got me naked and said seven magic words I will never forget (more on these words in a later post). Three days later I emerged from a hotel room not sure whether to call the authorities and report a kidnapping (and subsequent sexual molestation) or call my small circle of friends back in Long Beach and brag about my physical prowess.

It got me thinking: Texas might not be all that bad a place after all.

Everything IS Bigger in Texas

A year later I had bought a car, sold almost everything I owned, quit my job, gave my cat to my mom (which she refuses to give back), and moved to Texas. I remember thinking on the plane trip out that I didn’t care what I did for money when I got out here, I was just glad to be leaving California. I got a job through a temp agency working for TXU as a billing accountant with unlimited overtime. The first thing I noticed about the people of Texas is that they are fatter than Californians – much fatter.

I had always thought of beefy farm boys who do nothing but lug bales of hay and play football when I thought of Texans. As for women, I imagined bleach-blonde Jessica Simpson types and slightly older MILFS in expensive homes whose kitchens all have center-islands. Instead, I saw women with pale skin and puffy red cheeks taking small steps back into their cubicles, consoling themselves with their short walk with a bag of chips and a Diet Coke. The guys were no better off: huge, rolling pot-bellies under a set of soft breasts big and round enough to put my wife’s to shame. These guys had legs thicker than my abdomen and would sweat walking up a flight of steps, breathing out of their mouths with each thundering foot-fall.

I was horrified by this, not so much socially as by the prospect of what lie not so far ahead for these poor souls. Keep in mind that I had just come from California where I had immersed myself in a 2-hour-a-day, six-day-a-week routine of self-improvement at the gym that left my muscles punished but proud.

To be sure, such people existed in California. But back there, one simply didn’t seem them so much and there was always an emphasis on healthy living, despite the smog and frequent drive-by shootings. There were some 30 plus Max Muscle stores where a person could buy any dietary supplement his hardening kidneys could desire. In Texas, there were two such stores … and one of those went out of business six months after I moved here.

It is a stretch to link obesity to the culture of the South, though if I suggest the southern diet might be a cause it is less of an exercise… Given the multiplicity of Barbecue Joints, Mega-Sized Whataburger drive-thru chains, and a culture of home cookin’ and apple pie, the size factor fit my addled cliché of what I thought southern folk might look like. Sometimes I wish there was a Trader Joe’s out here: Whole Foods is 20 miles away…

Stupid Texas Hillbilly Laws

Not too long ago, a cop in one of the mid-cities (one of the innumerable cities between Dallas and Fort Worth collectively known as the Metroplex for those of you who aren’t local folk) pulled a woman over for erratic driving, noticed a box of funny looking toys in the back of the truck and promptly arrested her for – get this – possession of dildos with intent to sell – a felony. A felony!? Selling sex toys in Texas is okay as long as the toy is promoted as a novelty. But if you demonstrate how to actually use one, you run afoul of obscenity laws. Possess too many and that’s a crime, too. I can’t begin to fathom how backwater and anachronistic this kind of thinking is, not to mention the absurd zeal of a cop actually arresting someone for it. This type of law makes Texas a national laughingstock to just about everyone under the age of 75, unless of course grandma had an affinity for self-gratification.

I can see a rational basis for it from a social control point, though. After all, what is more revolutionary than a free expression of one’s self through sex? Control the masses at every junction – even, or, especially – in the bedroom, and China-style authoritarianism isn’t too far behind…

I like to drink. In fact if there weren’t so many social, economical, emotional, mental, physical, financial, and medical problems associated with it, I’d probably spend all my free time drunk (and writing here, of course). In California, there is at least one liquor store every quarter block or so and they are always open – at least they are open as late as I need them to be which is about BAC 1.2… Here in the Metroplex liquor sales are only allowed in a very narrow strip of geographically isolated areas. This requirement is part of Texas’s blue laws. A blue law is designed to enforce a moral code, usually restricting activity and commerce on Sundays to allow for religious worship. So instead of driving to the local 7-11 for a pint of Evan Williams, I have to drive to either Dallas or Fort Worth. And since it is such a far drive, rather than buy a pint I’ll buy a few liters and really stock up. Nothing like restricting alcohol sales to make everyone stock up. Stand around inside a barn-sized Metroplex liquor outlet and watch some of these customers. You’d think there was a war coming. Of course, while you are there you can get good and tanked sampling the latest vodka or whiskey from the attractive sales reps who are always available handing out booze samples with the same freedom of a matronly Sam’s club employee handing out turkey burger samples. On Sunday you can’t buy beer before noon and all liquor stores are closed. So are the car dealers. That lobbying group alone should be strong enough to purge the scourge of these laws from the Texas penal code, but so far Sunday is still all about God.

I bought my last Nissan on a Wednesday.

Racism in Texas

I sell real estate and on more than one occasion I had a client who said, “I don’t want to live around any niggers.” The first time I heard this I recited my ‘race-is-a-federally-protected-status-in-real-estate transactions-so-if-you-have-concerns-about-the-racial-make-up-of-a-neighborhood-you-will-have-to-investigate-it-yourself-I-am-prohibited-from-discussing-it’ speech. I was shocked. Not by the fact the woman was a racist. Everyone nowadays has had some exposure to this simpleton’s kind of sentiment. Even a lily-white guy like me who graduated from a high-school whose 997 students distributed across four grades consisted of only two black people had heard the n-word long before the OJ trial.

What shocked me was the unrepentant part. There was no attempt to parse or hide her feelings, as though this was not an uncommon request in finding a home. “You know, I’d like tile in the bathrooms, a two-car garage, a deck, a pool, hardwood floors and no niggers.” Now I know it’s not fair to assume from one person that racism has its roots in Texas, but I’m fairly certain the KKK was born in the deep south and at least in my mind it’s damn hard to attribute lynchings and white hoods with the anything other than a group of angry rednecks trolling through the backwoods of [pick your favorite southern state] looking for some unlucky black kid to hang from a tree. Honestly, have we not progressed at all in the last 50 years?

I worked with this woman or more specifically, her husband, for almost a year before I found a home large enough and inexpensive enough to make them happy. And wouldn’t you know it, right across the street working on an old Chevy truck propped up on concrete blocks was a homeowner wearing overalls who was as black as Wesley Snipes. No joke.

For all I know, the two ended up fucking each other.

The Truth

Don’t misinterpret my words. I like Texas. I’ve been here for seven years and in all that time I have not had a desire to go back to California once, not even for a day. This is my home. I live five minutes from a lake and anyone can buy a house for $100K. I write this because some of the biggest leaders of this state try to position Texas as a progressive, modern state that is not some backwater hickville mired in the misdeeds of the past…

This is not true.

Texas is a Deep South State, it always has been. And that’s okay with me. There are parts of this state that are as progressive as anywhere: from the confines of Austin to the explosion of lofts in downtown Dallas to the avante garde restaurants on lower Greenville Avenue, Texas has evolved beyond its clichéd history, but there are still hurdles to climb. I will be watching and writing and I hope the next time someone says he or she doesn’t want to live around niggers, that person will say it with a little less pride.

There have been a few major projects in the works that you should anticipate very shortly:

1. I have my amazing new Template Store currently up and running for those of you who have been asking me for a solution, but what’s even more exciting is that by the end of this month you will also have:

• FREE Templates – Simple and easy to use.
• Create Your Own Templates – this is sooo easy!
• Cost Conscious Templates – Sexy templates on a shoe string budget!

2. My Appointment Calendar will allow you to schedule consultation times online. I’m still working to get that confirmed in real time, but one thing you all know I’m not the best at is coding and this  site in particular revolves around doing all the coding myself.

3. HUNDREDS of FREE legal forms will be released shortly for use in your businesses. They are all the human resources forms I used almost daily in my brick & mortar businesses. I’m now making them available to you. Look for these my mid-May.

4. Insight into the Top 10 Coaches that also Twitter.

5. Discussions about Polygamy (have some family here from Thailand and the hubby has 2 wives) so this has been an interesting couple of days. I myself wouldn’t mind some help around the house! Oh wait, they actually hired servants for that.

6. Discussions about Pot: Do you think we should legalize it? Are you pro 420? Or against? And why?

Oh, & don’t forget to cast your vote in the poll on the sidebar!

7. Ok, if we’re going to talk about Polygamy & Pot, we also need the 3rd “P”: Prostitution. Should we legalize it or not? Why?

8. Oh-I should really do this, so I’ll give you my info on the Top 3 Affiliate programs that have been a smashing hit this year for me.

Ok folks, we have lots to cover so let’s get to it…

Susan Boyle’s performance on Britain’s Got Talent gave me CHILLS I tell ya! It is always so surprising to see how talented people really are – especially the ones that are walking so quietly around us. One thing I’ve found in my years of being in all types of bands and choirs – especially my show choir – is that looks are deceiving, and we should hold our judgements.

Susan Boyle is certainly one of these folks that humbly reminds us that greatness lives in us all. Simon Cowell’s face is priceless! Bravo Susan Boyle!

Have you ever sat next to someone or even engaged in a conversation with someone who made you feel like you were completely and utterly alone? I had often remarked to my husband in our early years together that I felt like I was by myself so often when we were sitting in the same room. So just because he was there, didn’t mean he was present with me.

We often get wrapped up in the everyday minutiae of life that we forget to live in the present with those that are of value to us therefore devaluing the relationship.

Be what you’re being while you’re being it.

If you are a manager of 25, girl scout troop leader of 12, board member of 10,  mentor of 5, best friend of 2, parent of 3 and spouse of 1 then you may feel like Sybil at times. With the advancements in technology we are expected to do more, learn more, participate more and create more – now. The trouble is, if I’m working on a presentation for my board of directors, I can’t possibly be a good mother at that same moment. If I’m nursing my sick child, I can’t be a good troop leader at the same moment. To think that we can be multiple personalities at the same moment effectively is not a reasonable expectation.

The art of multi-tasking has been corrupted into an unachievable balance between personal and business tasks. And though it may appear that we are getting more done, in actuality, we are digressing and harming our families, our work and ourselves more than creating benefits.

So when you are at work, then be the employee/owner/manager or whatever your role is right now.

But my child is sick…

…so go home and nurse your sick child. If you are so worried sick about your child that you are on the phones all day with your day care or babysitter, you might as well pack up your stuff and get out of there. If you are so preoccupied that you are not present and working at your best, then you’re not doing your company or yourself any good. If you’re trying to ‘mother’ while you’re at work, then you’re not being fair to all parties involved, including yourself.

But I have to get this report done…

…so go into your home office with a do not disturb sign, finish your last page to your report, and come back out to join the family when you are ready to be present with them. Rather than half heartedly play with your kids and spacing because you’re so worried about your project, finish the darn thing and come back.

Are you afraid that you don’t have enough time with your kids? Then make an effort to tuck that report away until you put them to bed. While you’re hanging out with your kids, they need to know that you are with them and not preoccupied.

Whatever you do, do not try to play & interact with your family while you are finishing that report. Both will suffer as a result. Your report will take twice as long and be 1/2 as good while your kids wonder why that stupid report is more important than building Legos.

It’s An Art

One of my first jobs was managing a sports bar when I was 19 (holy cow that was a lifetime ago!) I thought I was a damn great barista, but I remember this gal I hired that kicked my ass in pulling in tips! I was floored because I’ve been known to pull in a few c-notes in my time. So what was her trick? She just knew how to be what she was while she was being it. So when she came in to bartend, she was not a diligent daughter or devoted girlfriend, she was ‘the best damn bartender.’ End of story. She would not only make you a great drink, but when she talked to you, she made you feel like there was no where else she’d rather be and no one else she’d rather talk to – even with a bar full of tipping customers.

Simply: she was present.

The Truth

My post on the magical inbox gave you a little explanation about the Scientology courses I took for a full year & the disclaimer that if I were to join a church, it wouldn’t be the Church of Scientology. But I have to give credit where credit is due. They blew me away with their business courses which I understand that 98% of their congregation never are exposed to any of it. That’s because they’re mainly there for their own self development.

This concept of be what you’re being while you’re being it, which we deployed in my brick & mortar businesses, came directly from L. Ron himself. And truthfully, it gave us all a humbling perspective on our roles in life as dynamite employees, managers, leaders, spouses, parents and friends.

Use this to have a rock solid relationship.

1. Spend time together (away from the kids – even if it’s chatting while they’re in bed)
2. Talk to each other for more than the national average of 12 minutes per day
3. When you’re talking to each other, talk about things other than finances, work and children
4. Be present. Be a loving, doting spouse. Talk to each other like you were dating. Remember that? Ask questions. Ask opinions. Challenge opinions. Relay stories.
5. And most importantly. Have ‘relations.’ Lots of it! And in case I haven’t made my point: when you’re in the bedroom, be that sex-kitten or stud. That is absolutely not the time to be a super-parent or manager…

The other stuff will fall in place.
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Well, wait a minute here. Back to my favorite saying, your outer world is a reflection of your inner being. If you are consistently not getting what you need out of the people you need it from, look within.

I remember this one incident as a teenager where my sister was angry about something and she had called one of us (mom, dad, brother, her husband or I) “stupid.” It was some sort of tirade about something insignificant that escalated to a full blown screaming session. It struck me that at that point, she had called every one of us “stupid” at least once in the past month. I said something like: “Oh, so today, I’m stupid, last week mom was stupid, and dad is stupid, our brother is stupid and your husband is stupid. Gee, and of course you’re the only one that’s not stupid.”

I’m sure you don’t even need to hear the details that surround that story because any objective outsider would see that the name caller is having some unresolved internal issues.

How did everyone get on your shit list?

Have you ever had a day/week/month where everyone just seemed to piss you off? Long moments of time where everyone just frustrated the heck out of you? Did you ever step back to wonder how everyone got on your shit list? Ever think that maybe you created this situation(s)? I know it doesn’t seem possible that you could be the root cause of your own angst. I mean, who would intentionally create chaos and havoc?

Well, if you’re not one of those people who thrive on chaos and turmoil, it could just be that you don’t fully understand the way your communication is being interpreted.

The email you sent to your manager today to ‘please print the retail sales figures & tax report for last month” could be interpreted as ‘pull the retail sales and sales tax report when you get a moment.’ So if you didn’t specify a time, you may get it when it best suits the recipient.

Telling a guy you’re that you’re ‘not seeing anyone else now’ could be interpreted as ‘hmmm, I wonder if she means I have to stop dating other women, but I’m not going to ask.’ So if you don’t specify what you want in return, don’t expect it to be reciprocated.

If you bring a sick friend chicken soup on a Saturday night and believe that is your true expression of friendship because you cancelled your date, then you’ve proven to yourself that you are a good friend. However, don’t expect your good friend to do the same for you when you’re sick if you’ve not communicated it to them. They may think that sending you a ecard is an expression of true friendship when you’re down with the stomach flu.

Communication is often misinterpreted because the communicator is not specific enough in the details of their communications. What I found myself doing after about 6 months of being in business for myself was that I would often repeat what I wanted to have done, asked ‘does that make sense?’ if I got funny looks and then have them tell me their version of what they thought I had requested. It may seem a little strange and redundant, but it also alleviated many of the mishaps I was experiencing prior to taking the extra 90 seconds to go through this drill. The time I saved in not having to undo mistakes was invaluable.

Timing is Everything

Communication is much like a tennis game. The initiator (or server) serves the first communication point, the intended recipient has to return the communication and it volleys back and forth. At any point, if any one of the parties drops the ball, the game is over.

I know this sounds elementary, but it’s not. I know email has been around and widely used for over a decade now. However, email etiquette has not been truly understood. Often times, when people read an email, they don’t acknowledge or respond to it. If you were face to face with your best friend and you said, “I’m so glad we got together last weekend for dinner. I loved your new hairstyle! It makes me want to see my stylist. I wish I had taken a picture.” How would you like it if your best friend didn’t respond to you? What if they just sat there and stared at you or looked off into space? How would that make you feel?

An email communication is still communication; you’re just not face to face. So when someone extends a comment, even if they’re not looking for you to answer a question or if they’re not requesting a document, a simple acknowlegement lets them know that you got it.

Communication in Business

[ad#in-post-image-ad]This same concept applies to business communications as well; though with one extra rule. Business communications should remain professional. Remember; don’t let your emotions run your business. Whether you like and respect a colleague or loathe them, you still have to step back and see that your actions are a reflection of your own character, not theirs. If you don’t reply to a business email because you’re mad at them or they hurt your feelings, then you need to evaluate your position and your behavior. It will hurt your reputation more to hold your communications hostage because your ego got bruised.

Sometimes your lack of a quick response may just be that you need more time to process the data requested or to put your emotions in check. The proper way  to handle that would be to send an acknowledgement of the email and say that you’ll ‘get back to them by (whenever, but stick to it).’ This will buy you the time you need to process your issues or tasks, yet makes you look like the professional superstar with your strong communication skills.

When I understood the power of acknowledgment, I taught all of my staff, from receptionists to managers to send a simple, “Got it.” or “I’ll have it by _________” response to my requests. The really neat part is that when we are all accountable for our communications and actions, we tend to perform at higher levels. Once a receptionist got the new policy about how we make confirmation calls, and acknowledged it, she now has to abide by the policy she acknowledged.

The Truth

Treat your communications professionally. Think about the image you’re ultimately projecting. If you are not communication clearly, effectively and in a timely fashion, then you will create chaos in your environment. If you are constantly in the midst of chaos or hurt feelings or miscommunications and don’t think you are the issue, then you’re probably the issue or your communication just sucks.

We start to play games with ourselves. In turn we set up rules and expectations for those that we love and we start to play these games which sets those very people up for failure and causing imminent grief – for no good reason.

Here’s the game I played with myself when I was dating my then boyfriend-now husband, Jason:

• If he really loves me, he will open the doors for me.
• If he really loves me, he will call me right after he gets home from work.
• If he really loves me, he will always offer to pay for dinner.

These are just a few examples of my own internal games.  Some that I have discovered amongst my friends are:

• If my kids really loved me, they would come visit me on the weekends without me having to ask them.
• If my kids really loved me, they would call me at least a couple of times a week instead of making me call them.
• If my wife really loved me, she wouldn’t be asleep on the couch every night when I got home from work.
• If my husband really loved me, he wouldn’t go hang out with the guys every Saturday night, he would take me out instead.
• If my friends really cared about me, they would offer to help me instead of making me ask them to because I won’t ask for help.
• If my husband really loved me, he would take the trash out without me having to ask him.
• If my wife really loved me, she would initiate sex at least 3 nights a week and I can initiate the rest.

The list goes on and on. The problem with all of these internal games that we is that they are internal and we expect for the people who love us to know these things instinctually and to perform as we ourselves would have. This sets everyone up for failure and grief. If your loved one doesn’t know that you are expecting something from him or her, then each and every time they fail to perform that task, they have failed you. And each time they fail you, you get upset or you grieve over that fact that they just don’t love you. This becomes a cycle that produces a lot of drama in your own mind and you start to resent that person for not giving you what you need.
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Now take a step back and look at it from an outsider’s perspective:

If I was expecting my then boyfriend-now husband to call me after he got off work every night (we were living 15oo miles apart for the first year we dated) and he didn’t call me exactly as I thought he should’ve every night, what kind of thoughts do you think occurred? As the minutes ticked on it was first: “Oh my god. I hope he is ok. I hope he’s not hurt because he would’ve called me by now.”  Then when he does call and he just happened to be at the gym or went on an impromptu grocery shopping excursion (I know! The nerve of him!) or that he was so exhausted from working a long hard day in corporate America & took a cat nap, then I started to wonder why he didn’t call me right away. Then I started to think: “Well, I must not be that important to him if he doesn’t call me as soon as his work day is over. We do live 1500 miles apart and doesn’t he miss me?”

As time went on, I would just let doubt seep a little bit at a time into a perfectly sound relationship. You see, he failed me over and over and over again, but he had no idea so he couldn’t even address it even if he wanted to.

And OK, we don’t have to address the obvious because I already have years ago. Expecting him to call me every night as soon as he got off work is ludicrous today and it was ludicrous then. But without voicing these issues to him, he didn’t even know there was an issue to address.  How did he know that he was losing “points” every time he failed to call me or open my doors or at least offer to pay for dinner?

How do you keep from being disappointed?

Verbalize. Email. Just communicate. Say it out loud. A couple of things can happen when you actually talk to that person about your expectations rather than play mind games with them (and yourself).

• They actually start to do what you expect – or they’ll do something acceptably close to it.
• You talk it through and you realize that your expectations are not reasonable, and you move on.

I have this friend that plays this game too where she just expects people to offer up their help. The problem is, I never know what kind of help is needed, when it’s needed, or even if it’s needed. I am too busy with my own life that I certainly don’t have time to try to figure out  her all the time.

How does this pertain to business?

Well, I was very guilty of this when I first opened up my salons, so I am speaking from painful experience. I would expect my manager to know when to perform the tasks that I would pass to her, how exactly I wanted them done and in which order without ever telling her the specifics and when she failed to perform up to my expectations I would think, “…well, if she were a good manager, or if she really cared about this place, or if she really understood me, she would’ve XYZ.” I was in constant turmoil about her and it ended badly because I didn’t understand the power of clear and concise communication. I understood communication and believed I was better at it then most, however, I didn’t realize how ambiguous my own communication was.

So when my then boyfriend-now husband would say, “Hey baby, I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier, I fell asleep as soon as I sat down.” and I would answer, “I understand. Don’t worry about it.” Yet had that harmful internal monologue, I was playing a game.

The Truth

We all play games. It’s time to recognize, rationalize and communicate our way through them and stop setting everyone up for failure. If you don’t believe you’ve ever done or don’t do it now, you’re still playing that game.

These games are much like the ego: it cannot coexist with awareness.

What kind of games are you playing now? What kind of games are you willing admit to and are willing to put a stop to?

Remember to fake it till you make it!

What does this mean? Well, first off, when someone asks how your business is coming along they don’t want to hear that your phone isn’t ringing, you don’t know if you can pay the bills this month, you feel like you spent way too much money on advertising and your staff is stupid. They don’t care.

It’s the same as when someone sees you for the first time today and they say, “Hi. How are you?”  They don’t really care. It’s an automatic response. They want to hear you say, “I’m great! How about you?”

Why is this? Most people feel bogged down with enough problems of their own that they do not want to know about yours either.  Especially if you are a chronic whiner.

So when someone asks about your business, they want to hear, “It’s better than I expected!” or “I’m really excited about where it’s going.” etc.

People are attracted to success.

[ad#in-post-image-ad]People like being around successful people. Customers love going to popular places. If you act down and out and worried all the time, people stop enjoying your company and start finding ways to avoid you. Your staff will quit because you will be too depressing to work for. Your customers will stop coming around because they don’t want to frequent a place that might not make it. People who could possibly mentor you and help you in your success will not want to be around you until you change your attitude.

If you want to be successful, act successful. Be graceful, considerate, thoughtful and present in your interactions.

When I opened my first salon, we had 66 clients in our first month. I was ecstatic and worried at the same time since our income was no where near our out flow. I found out that 66 clients is double the usual number for the first month.  However, even though our numbers were growing 50%-300% each month, it didn’t seem quite fast enough with the vast advertising bills we were accumulating.

No one knew of my concerns barring my husband and a business associate. To the world, we were fantastic! We kept up the positive attitude and before you knew it, we were ranked 11th in the world after 6 months, 4th after 10 months and 3rd after 1 year in business.  Keeping a positive outlook and really believing in myself pays in many ways.

If you haven’t watched ‘The Secret,’ you must! It’s more than just thinking positive. It’s being positive!

The Truth

There are a few people in your life that really do want to hear about your downs as well as your ups and help you through the hard times. The majority don’t care. Remembering that in business will help you grow exponentially faster than laying out all of your worries and troubles to everyone who lends an ear.

Being successful starts with acting successful. Fake it till you make it. Start now.

What success story do you have about being positive?
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I read this article by a new Twitter friend of mine this morning that accelerated this post I have on my list of to do’s. He was describing his run in with a customer who immediately made him out to be the bad guy.

Have you ever had the pleasure of hanging out with someone that was always the ‘victim’?

VICTIMS SAY THINGS LIKE:

• Did you see  they way they were looking at me?
• People always stare at me like I’m a criminal.
• That girl was didn’t even look me in the eye.
• That person just ignored me and acted like I didn’t even exist.
• I can’t believe so and so was so ungrateful. I could be doing better things than (_______) for them.
• How come when you ask people to (_______) they jump to do it, but when I ask, I just get ignored?
• So and so’s out to get me.
• That group treats me like I’m stupid.
• They’re double charging us because they don’t like us because of …

VICTIMS DO THINGS LIKE:

• Not look you (or the perpetrator) in the eye because they perceive themselves to have been attacked emotionally, psychology, mentally, etc.
• Wait to respond to you until they are ready to communicate because you have offended them.
• Expect you to thank them repeatedly for something they did for you (whether you asked for the favor or not).
• Expect you to read their minds and help them in ways that they don’t verbalize, but expect you to know.
• Don’t ask for help because they figure that if you were a good (friend, family member, employee, etc.) you would know to volunteer. They act like they’re martyrs and expect recognition for it.
• Expect you to address them first or ask for their opinions.
• Talk about you in a negative light, and when it comes up, they will steer the story to gain your sympathies.

HOW WE VALIDATE OUR VICTIMS

Somewhere along the way, that person was taught that manipulating the situation to provoke sympathy works.  They had enough people rubbing their backs, holding their hands, or hugging them in an effort to comfort them.  They felt the power of playing the victim as it opens up a whole new, self-directed line of conversation that leads to cooing and more hugs.

• Oh gosh you’re right victim,  that person should’ve looked at you and struck up a conversation first.
• Oh sweet victim, you should’ve been upset if that waitress didn’t give you a free drink. I know, you’re right, it’s because you’re Green (or whatever other color or ethnicity you would like to substitute here).
• Oh darn, victim, yes you should be crying because so and so didn’t thank you more than once for the favor that you’re doing them. And yes, favors should be used to hold as a ransom over people.

EFFECTS

Now all those horrible things that victim feels and says becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. When we allow ourselves to tune in, we can certainly feel vibes being put off into the air around us. If you feel like you’re being ignored, your lack of eye contact will make it easier to ignore you. If you feel like people are staring at you, people will stare at you because they’re wondering why your nose is up in the air. The opposite is true as well.

This will hinder your growth since you will be too pre-occupied with what other people are thinking and why they’re thinking it. The truth is, they so rarely think what you believe they’re thinking.  These self created stories will torture you more than the truth, but then you’re too afraid to face the truth and it’s easier to get sympathy with those fantastic stories you make up in your head.

AWARENESS

For those lacking in direction and self esteem or those who were taught that negative attention is better than no attention at all, their M.O. becomes that of self sustaining attention by manipulating the emotions of those around them so that they can be validated.  If you are validating that person’s neurosis because you do not want to make that person feel bad, then you are in turn enabling & perpetuating that behavior. The very sad thing about this affliction is that it tends to be passed down from generation to generation. Being a victim is a learned behavior.

Eckhart Tolle described in considerable detail the effects of the pain body, particulary as it relates to races or other categories of the human race.  However, the awareness of this condition should make it easier to identify as it creeps up into our daily behaviors.  The challenge is to be able to honestly speak to this person about it without crushing their delicate egos. Your goal is to build them up and let them know what an incredible human being they are and that they are better than what they are showing the world. The world doesn’t revolve around one person. All these so called ‘offensive’ actions are usually just a misinterpretation by the victim.

THE TRUTH

If you often feel like the victim, then most likely you’re acting like the victim. If often find yourself in a situation where people are consoling you or where you’re looking for someone to back you up, then you’re playing the victim.   This will sabotage your business in ways that will retard your growth and your company’s growth. And ultimately, it can destroy everything that you’re working towards if you allow your victim mentality to lead your decision making.

Though this article is about how it being the victim will hurt your growth in business, these same issues will affect your life in general and keep you from growing and being the great person you already are inside.

Even through my rather thick skull, I knew that the challenges of raising a child on a $10+ an hour job as a single mother was going to be arduous at best.  Everyone else around me anticipated the same for me so they thought it best to bombard me with not only the best clothes and other baby necessities, but also their infinite wisdom on parenting.

From “don’t heat up your baby bottles” to “just put vaseline on the Q-Tip before you swirl it around the baby’s butt hole and he’ll blast you with his shit and the contstipation bout will be over – oh, and make sure you do it in the bathtub because it’s nasty”, I was inundated with people giving me advice about everything…

I distinctly remember being completely overwhelmed, over tired and scared shitless when one of my past students in a continuation class I had taught some time back said to me, “Lee, let me give you some advice about…”

And I thought to myself, crap, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m a in a crabby pregnant mood and I could have the first volcanic eruption the SRO’s ever seen if I have one more person gives me advice about…anything.

So as I started the self-talk that would eventually calm down the drumming in my ears that drowned out her voice, I was able to tune back in, paste my famous Lee-smile on my face and take another one for the team. But what she said was so profoundly impactful on the rest of my pregnancy and the way I approached motherhood that I thought not sharing it would be such a loss for new parents struggling with sanity and their emotional well being.

Her advice to me: “…don’t listen to anyone’s advice. You have the instincts to be a great mother. Just listen to your heart, you will know what to do.”

Just like that I felt like a ginormous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  No longer did I feel like I was compelled to burn each and every piece of advice onto my little brain.  For the first time, someone’s message to me wasn’t, ” You obviously don’t know what the hell you are doing since you are just a child yourself.” but rather, “You are a smart, intuitive and capable woman who has all the natural gifts of motherhood.”

This one encounter effectually changed not only my day, but affected my actions for years to come.  It has taught me another precious lesson:

Unless someone asks you for advice, shut your trap.

Unsolicited advice only brews resentment and irritation.  Makes you seem like a know-it-all and can very effectively punch someone in their self-esteem-gut and knock ‘em out for while.  If you are just compelled to be that very obnoxious person who just has to give out unsought advice about…whatever…you may want to consider starting your own blog.  At least this way, you know that if someone’s reading your article, they pursued it:-)