Truth Parlor

Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

Dear Truthparlor:

I just had a fight with my best friend because her 8 year old daughter is still sleeping with her and her husband. I was trying to rationally tell her that it’s not normal or healthy for anyone. I hate that we argued about it, but it’s like watching a train wreck happen. I usually try to keep out, but this is out of hand and I’m worried about ——–’s behavior & she’s acting out (…con’t)

Thanks for whatever light you can shed on this, Meredith S. – Seattle, WA

The topic of whether or not your child should sleep in your bed brings about much heated discussions amongst my baby toting friends as well, with the heat coming from the ones still with toddlers in their bed. I remember several years ago, sitting on my living room floor with a girlfriend of mine (who had a son a year older than mine), writing an email to Dr Phil on my laptop while she was there and asking Dr Phil if it was healthy for her 5 year old to still be sleeping in the bed with her and her husband. She was so upset with me! She said that she didn’ trust that Dr Phil, but truthfully, I just hit a big nerve with her.

Seriously, when do you move your baby to his/her own bed permanently? When he comes home and throw’s his car keys on the entry table? But the real question is: Why is s/he still sleeping in your bed?

The answer I got was that the (5 year old) baby was more comfortable in their bed. Okay, that’s such a load of crap, but I couldn’t see the turd for the pile of poo in front of me at the time. As I was relaying the developmental issues that come from keeping your child from sleeping in his/her own bed, she got increasingly more agitated.

Let’s fast forward a year or so after this conversation. She cheats on her husband. Gets a divorce. Manipulates the new guy into marriage. But guess what? No more baby in her bed.

See, during the vehement defenses of it being for the better of her child, it was really because she didn’t want the intimacy with her husband. She (and her husband) used her child as an excuse to not take the steps to fix what was wrong between them. He was one of the many tools they used against each other, and still do. Manipulative behaviors rarely confine themselves to one area or topic in a person’s life.

Developmental Issues

This child had been sleeping in his parents’ bed for over 6 years before he was kicked out of bed and replaced with some dude that his mother married abruptly. To this day, he has emotional issues, tantrums and rage. Was it all due to sleeping in their parents bed for over half a decade, of course not. But if you are using your child as a weapon or tool in that manner, you’re probably using him/her in other manners as well, so there are bound to be psychological issues.

I’m not a psychologist, so please consult with your own or your family doctor.

The Truth

Is your friend cheating on her husband? Well, that’s a little extreme and totally unfounded. The example above just happened to be the most memorable and easy to pull out of my hat of experiences.  However, there are definitely problems they’re avoiding with a child in bed with them at that age and they need to address those issues along with moving their child to a bed of their own.

Barring spacial issues like living in a 1 room apartment or cultural customs like the long time (yet disappearing) family bed in the Islamic culture, then children should be allowed to learn the boundaries of parental intimacy. Keeping your child in your bed past infancy is a purely selfish move.

Let us know what you think: Take our poll.

 Loading ...

One of the best pieces of advice came from a rather surprising source when I was about 7 months pregnant with my first son Nicholas.  I was only 21, working for peanuts at American Airlines, but loving the self-proclaimed notoriety of being the youngest instructor to walk the halls of the SRO (Southern Reservations Office).

Even through my rather thick skull, I knew that the challenges of raising a child on a $10+ an hour job as a single mother was going to be arduous at best.  Everyone else around me anticipated the same for me so they thought it best to bombard me with not only the best clothes and other baby necessities, but also their infinite wisdom on parenting.

From “don’t heat up your baby bottles” to “just put vaseline on the Q-Tip before you swirl it around the baby’s butt hole and he’ll blast you with his shit and the contstipation bout will be over – oh, and make sure you do it in the bathtub because it’s nasty”, I was inundated with people giving me advice about everything…

I distinctly remember being completely overwhelmed, over tired and scared shitless when one of my past students in a continuation class I had taught some time back said to me, “Lee, let me give you some advice about…”

And I thought to myself, crap, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I’m a in a crabby pregnant mood and I could have the first volcanic eruption the SRO’s ever seen if I have one more person gives me advice about…anything.

So as I started the self-talk that would eventually calm down the drumming in my ears that drowned out her voice, I was able to tune back in, paste my famous Lee-smile on my face and take another one for the team. But what she said was so profoundly impactful on the rest of my pregnancy and the way I approached motherhood that I thought not sharing it would be such a loss for new parents struggling with sanity and their emotional well being.

Her advice to me: “…don’t listen to anyone’s advice. You have the instincts to be a great mother. Just listen to your heart, you will know what to do.”

Just like that I felt like a ginormous weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.  No longer did I feel like I was compelled to burn each and every piece of advice onto my little brain.  For the first time, someone’s message to me wasn’t, ” You obviously don’t know what the hell you are doing since you are just a child yourself.” but rather, “You are a smart, intuitive and capable woman who has all the natural gifts of motherhood.”

This one encounter effectually changed not only my day, but affected my actions for years to come.  It has taught me another precious lesson:

Unless someone asks you for advice, shut your trap.

Unsolicited advice only brews resentment and irritation.  Makes you seem like a know-it-all and can very effectively punch someone in their self-esteem-gut and knock ‘em out for while.  If you are just compelled to be that very obnoxious person who just has to give out unsought advice about…whatever…you may want to consider starting your own blog.  At least this way, you know that if someone’s reading your article, they pursued it:-)