Just because you’re here doesn’t mean you’re present.
You’re looking at me. Your lips are moving. You’re answering my questions. You make the appropriate mmm-hmm’s and ah-ha’s. You’re sitting right next to me. Where are you?
Have you ever sat next to someone or even engaged in a conversation with someone who made you feel like you were completely and utterly alone? I had often remarked to my husband in our early years together that I felt like I was by myself so often when we were sitting in the same room. So just because he was there, didn’t mean he was present with me.
We often get wrapped up in the everyday minutiae of life that we forget to live in the present with those that are of value to us therefore devaluing the relationship.
Be what you’re being while you’re being it.
If you are a manager of 25, girl scout troop leader of 12, board member of 10, mentor of 5, best friend of 2, parent of 3 and spouse of 1 then you may feel like Sybil at times. With the advancements in technology we are expected to do more, learn more, participate more and create more – now. The trouble is, if I’m working on a presentation for my board of directors, I can’t possibly be a good mother at that same moment. If I’m nursing my sick child, I can’t be a good troop leader at the same moment. To think that we can be multiple personalities at the same moment effectively is not a reasonable expectation.
The art of multi-tasking has been corrupted into an unachievable balance between personal and business tasks. And though it may appear that we are getting more done, in actuality, we are digressing and harming our families, our work and ourselves more than creating benefits.
So when you are at work, then be the employee/owner/manager or whatever your role is right now.
But my child is sick…
…so go home and nurse your sick child. If you are so worried sick about your child that you are on the phones all day with your day care or babysitter, you might as well pack up your stuff and get out of there. If you are so preoccupied that you are not present and working at your best, then you’re not doing your company or yourself any good. If you’re trying to ‘mother’ while you’re at work, then you’re not being fair to all parties involved, including yourself.
But I have to get this report done…
…so go into your home office with a do not disturb sign, finish your last page to your report, and come back out to join the family when you are ready to be present with them. Rather than half heartedly play with your kids and spacing because you’re so worried about your project, finish the darn thing and come back.
Are you afraid that you don’t have enough time with your kids? Then make an effort to tuck that report away until you put them to bed. While you’re hanging out with your kids, they need to know that you are with them and not preoccupied.
Whatever you do, do not try to play & interact with your family while you are finishing that report. Both will suffer as a result. Your report will take twice as long and be 1/2 as good while your kids wonder why that stupid report is more important than building Legos.
It’s An Art
One of my first jobs was managing a sports bar when I was 19 (holy cow that was a lifetime ago!) I thought I was a damn great barista, but I remember this gal I hired that kicked my ass in pulling in tips! I was floored because I’ve been known to pull in a few c-notes in my time. So what was her trick? She just knew how to be what she was while she was being it. So when she came in to bartend, she was not a diligent daughter or devoted girlfriend, she was ‘the best damn bartender.’ End of story. She would not only make you a great drink, but when she talked to you, she made you feel like there was no where else she’d rather be and no one else she’d rather talk to – even with a bar full of tipping customers.
Simply: she was present.
The Truth
My post on the magical inbox gave you a little explanation about the Scientology courses I took for a full year & the disclaimer that if I were to join a church, it wouldn’t be the Church of Scientology. But I have to give credit where credit is due. They blew me away with their business courses which I understand that 98% of their congregation never are exposed to any of it. That’s because they’re mainly there for their own self development.
This concept of be what you’re being while you’re being it, which we deployed in my brick & mortar businesses, came directly from L. Ron himself. And truthfully, it gave us all a humbling perspective on our roles in life as dynamite employees, managers, leaders, spouses, parents and friends.
Use this to have a rock solid relationship.
- Spend time together (away from the kids – even if it’s chatting while they’re in bed)
- Talk to each other for more than the national average of 12 minutes per day
- When you’re talking to each other, talk about things other than finances, work and children
- Be present. Be a loving, doting spouse. Talk to each other like you were dating. Remember that? Ask questions. Ask opinions. Challenge opinions. Relay stories.
- And most importantly. Have ‘relations.’ Lots of it! And in case I haven’t made my point: when you’re in the bedroom, be that sex-kitten or stud. That is absolutely not the time to be a super-parent or manager…
The other stuff will fall in place.
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[...] is a topic that has many different faces, but the real reason I wrote the last article about being present was to get to today’s [...]
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