Should Your Children Sleep in Your Bed?
Dear Truthparlor:
I just had a fight with my best friend because her 8 year old daughter is still sleeping with her and her husband. I was trying to rationally tell her that it’s not normal or healthy for anyone. I hate that we argued about it, but it’s like watching a train wreck happen. I usually try to keep out, but this is out of hand and I’m worried about ——–’s behavior & she’s acting out (…con’t)
Thanks for whatever light you can shed on this, Meredith S. – Seattle, WA
The topic of whether or not your child should sleep in your bed brings about much heated discussions amongst my baby toting friends as well, with the heat coming from the ones still with toddlers in their bed. I remember several years ago, sitting on my living room floor with a girlfriend of mine (who had a son a year older than mine), writing an email to Dr Phil on my laptop while she was there and asking Dr Phil if it was healthy for her 5 year old to still be sleeping in the bed with her and her husband. She was so upset with me! She said that she didn’ trust that Dr Phil, but truthfully, I just hit a big nerve with her.
Seriously, when do you move your baby to his/her own bed permanently? When he comes home and throw’s his car keys on the entry table? But the real question is: Why is s/he still sleeping in your bed?
The answer I got was that the (5 year old) baby was more comfortable in their bed. Okay, that’s such a load of crap, but I couldn’t see the turd for the pile of poo in front of me at the time. As I was relaying the developmental issues that come from keeping your child from sleeping in his/her own bed, she got increasingly more agitated.
Let’s fast forward a year or so after this conversation. She cheats on her husband. Gets a divorce. Manipulates the new guy into marriage. But guess what? No more baby in her bed.
See, during the vehement defenses of it being for the better of her child, it was really because she didn’t want the intimacy with her husband. She (and her husband) used her child as an excuse to not take the steps to fix what was wrong between them. He was one of the many tools they used against each other, and still do. Manipulative behaviors rarely confine themselves to one area or topic in a person’s life.
Developmental Issues
This child had been sleeping in his parents’ bed for over 6 years before he was kicked out of bed and replaced with some dude that his mother married abruptly. To this day, he has emotional issues, tantrums and rage. Was it all due to sleeping in their parents bed for over half a decade, of course not. But if you are using your child as a weapon or tool in that manner, you’re probably using him/her in other manners as well, so there are bound to be psychological issues.
I’m not a psychologist, so please consult with your own or your family doctor.
The Truth
Is your friend cheating on her husband? Well, that’s a little extreme and totally unfounded. The example above just happened to be the most memorable and easy to pull out of my hat of experiences. However, there are definitely problems they’re avoiding with a child in bed with them at that age and they need to address those issues along with moving their child to a bed of their own.
Barring spacial issues like living in a 1 room apartment or cultural customs like the long time (yet disappearing) family bed in the Islamic culture, then children should be allowed to learn the boundaries of parental intimacy. Keeping your child in your bed past infancy is a purely selfish move.
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I personally don’t think there is anything wrong with co-sleeping. Attachment parenting is way more beneficial (and challenging) then people who let their children “cry it out”. Those same children become despondent and suffer emotionally.
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