The Mind Games We Play With Ourselves
The expectations that we have for ourselves and those that we love are created by ideals and beliefs that are taught by those we respect and romance novels. We tell ourselves that we need to work hard (and everyone’s version of what that means is completely different). We need to look good. We need to find a spouse. We need to have kids (or not), etc.
We start to play games with ourselves. In turn we set up rules and expectations for those that we love and we start to play these games which sets those very people up for failure and causing imminent grief – for no good reason.
Here’s the game I played with myself when I was dating my then boyfriend-now husband, Jason:
- If he really loves me, he will open the doors for me.
- If he really loves me, he will call me right after he gets home from work.
- If he really loves me, he will always offer to pay for dinner.
These are just a few examples of my own internal games. Some that I have discovered amongst my friends are:
- If my kids really loved me, they would come visit me on the weekends without me having to ask them.
- If my kids really loved me, they would call me at least a couple of times a week instead of making me call them.
- If my wife really loved me, she wouldn’t be asleep on the couch every night when I got home from work.
- If my husband really loved me, he wouldn’t go hang out with the guys every Saturday night, he would take me out instead.
- If my friends really cared about me, they would offer to help me instead of making me ask them to because I won’t ask for help.
- If my husband really loved me, he would take the trash out without me having to ask him.
- If my wife really loved me, she would initiate sex at least 3 nights a week and I can initiate the rest.
The list goes on and on. The problem with all of these internal games that we is that they are internal and we expect for the people who love us to know these things instinctually and to perform as we ourselves would have. This sets everyone up for failure and grief. If your loved one doesn’t know that you are expecting something from him or her, then each and every time they fail to perform that task, they have failed you. And each time they fail you, you get upset or you grieve over that fact that they just don’t love you. This becomes a cycle that produces a lot of drama in your own mind and you start to resent that person for not giving you what you need.
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Now take a step back and look at it from an outsider’s perspective:
If I was expecting my then boyfriend-now husband to call me after he got off work every night (we were living 15oo miles apart for the first year we dated) and he didn’t call me exactly as I thought he should’ve every night, what kind of thoughts do you think occurred? As the minutes ticked on it was first: “Oh my god. I hope he is ok. I hope he’s not hurt because he would’ve called me by now.” Then when he does call and he just happened to be at the gym or went on an impromptu grocery shopping excursion (I know! The nerve of him!) or that he was so exhausted from working a long hard day in corporate America & took a cat nap, then I started to wonder why he didn’t call me right away. Then I started to think: “Well, I must not be that important to him if he doesn’t call me as soon as his work day is over. We do live 1500 miles apart and doesn’t he miss me?”
As time went on, I would just let doubt seep a little bit at a time into a perfectly sound relationship. You see, he failed me over and over and over again, but he had no idea so he couldn’t even address it even if he wanted to.
And OK, we don’t have to address the obvious because I already have years ago. Expecting him to call me every night as soon as he got off work is ludicrous today and it was ludicrous then. But without voicing these issues to him, he didn’t even know there was an issue to address. How did he know that he was losing “points” every time he failed to call me or open my doors or at least offer to pay for dinner?
How do you keep from being disappointed?
Verbalize. Email. Just communicate. Say it out loud. A couple of things can happen when you actually talk to that person about your expectations rather than play mind games with them (and yourself).
- They actually start to do what you expect – or they’ll do something acceptably close to it.
- You talk it through and you realize that your expectations are not reasonable, and you move on.
I have this friend that plays this game too where she just expects people to offer up their help. The problem is, I never know what kind of help is needed, when it’s needed, or even if it’s needed. I am too busy with my own life that I certainly don’t have time to try to figure out her all the time.
How does this pertain to business?
Well, I was very guilty of this when I first opened up my salons, so I am speaking from painful experience. I would expect my manager to know when to perform the tasks that I would pass to her, how exactly I wanted them done and in which order without ever telling her the specifics and when she failed to perform up to my expectations I would think, “…well, if she were a good manager, or if she really cared about this place, or if she really understood me, she would’ve XYZ.” I was in constant turmoil about her and it ended badly because I didn’t understand the power of clear and concise communication. I understood communication and believed I was better at it then most, however, I didn’t realize how ambiguous my own communication was.
So when my then boyfriend-now husband would say, “Hey baby, I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier, I fell asleep as soon as I sat down.” and I would answer, “I understand. Don’t worry about it.” Yet had that harmful internal monologue, I was playing a game.
The Truth
We all play games. It’s time to recognize, rationalize and communicate our way through them and stop setting everyone up for failure. If you don’t believe you’ve ever done or don’t do it now, you’re still playing that game.
These games are much like the ego: it cannot coexist with awareness.
What kind of games are you playing now? What kind of games are you willing admit to and are willing to put a stop to?
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