Your Communication Sucks
[ad#twitter-magpie]I am the queen of communication. I talk to you. I express my feelings. I express my needs, and yet I don’t seem to get what I want out of you. I am frustrated. I am resentful. I think you’re stupid.
Well, wait a minute here. Back to my favorite saying, your outer world is a reflection of your inner being. If you are consistently not getting what you need out of the people you need it from, look within.
I remember this one incident as a teenager where my sister was angry about something and she had called one of us (mom, dad, brother, her husband or I) “stupid.” It was some sort of tirade about something insignificant that escalated to a full blown screaming session. It struck me that at that point, she had called every one of us “stupid” at least once in the past month. I said something like: “Oh, so today, I’m stupid, last week mom was stupid, and dad is stupid, our brother is stupid and your husband is stupid. Gee, and of course you’re the only one that’s not stupid.”
I’m sure you don’t even need to hear the details that surround that story because any objective outsider would see that the name caller is having some unresolved internal issues.
How did everyone get on your shit list?
Have you ever had a day/week/month where everyone just seemed to piss you off? Long moments of time where everyone just frustrated the heck out of you? Did you ever step back to wonder how everyone got on your shit list? Ever think that maybe you created this situation(s)? I know it doesn’t seem possible that you could be the root cause of your own angst. I mean, who would intentionally create chaos and havoc?
Well, if you’re not one of those people who thrive on chaos and turmoil, it could just be that you don’t fully understand the way your communication is being interpreted.
The email you sent to your manager today to ‘please print the retail sales figures & tax report for last month” could be interpreted as ‘pull the retail sales and sales tax report when you get a moment.’ So if you didn’t specify a time, you may get it when it best suits the recipient.
Telling a guy you’re that you’re ‘not seeing anyone else now’ could be interpreted as ‘hmmm, I wonder if she means I have to stop dating other women, but I’m not going to ask.’ So if you don’t specify what you want in return, don’t expect it to be reciprocated.
If you bring a sick friend chicken soup on a Saturday night and believe that is your true expression of friendship because you cancelled your date, then you’ve proven to yourself that you are a good friend. However, don’t expect your good friend to do the same for you when you’re sick if you’ve not communicated it to them. They may think that sending you a ecard is an expression of true friendship when you’re down with the stomach flu.
Communication is often misinterpreted because the communicator is not specific enough in the details of their communications. What I found myself doing after about 6 months of being in business for myself was that I would often repeat what I wanted to have done, asked ‘does that make sense?’ if I got funny looks and then have them tell me their version of what they thought I had requested. It may seem a little strange and redundant, but it also alleviated many of the mishaps I was experiencing prior to taking the extra 90 seconds to go through this drill. The time I saved in not having to undo mistakes was invaluable.
Timing is Everything
Communication is much like a tennis game. The initiator (or server) serves the first communication point, the intended recipient has to return the communication and it volleys back and forth. At any point, if any one of the parties drops the ball, the game is over.
I know this sounds elementary, but it’s not. I know email has been around and widely used for over a decade now. However, email etiquette has not been truly understood. Often times, when people read an email, they don’t acknowledge or respond to it. If you were face to face with your best friend and you said, “I’m so glad we got together last weekend for dinner. I loved your new hairstyle! It makes me want to see my stylist. I wish I had taken a picture.” How would you like it if your best friend didn’t respond to you? What if they just sat there and stared at you or looked off into space? How would that make you feel?
An email communication is still communication; you’re just not face to face. So when someone extends a comment, even if they’re not looking for you to answer a question or if they’re not requesting a document, a simple acknowlegement lets them know that you got it.
Communication in Business
[ad#in-post-image-ad]This same concept applies to business communications as well; though with one extra rule. Business communications should remain professional. Remember; don’t let your emotions run your business. Whether you like and respect a colleague or loathe them, you still have to step back and see that your actions are a reflection of your own character, not theirs. If you don’t reply to a business email because you’re mad at them or they hurt your feelings, then you need to evaluate your position and your behavior. It will hurt your reputation more to hold your communications hostage because your ego got bruised.
Sometimes your lack of a quick response may just be that you need more time to process the data requested or to put your emotions in check. The proper way to handle that would be to send an acknowledgement of the email and say that you’ll ‘get back to them by (whenever, but stick to it).’ This will buy you the time you need to process your issues or tasks, yet makes you look like the professional superstar with your strong communication skills.
When I understood the power of acknowledgment, I taught all of my staff, from receptionists to managers to send a simple, “Got it.” or “I’ll have it by _________” response to my requests. The really neat part is that when we are all accountable for our communications and actions, we tend to perform at higher levels. Once a receptionist got the new policy about how we make confirmation calls, and acknowledged it, she now has to abide by the policy she acknowledged.
The Truth
Treat your communications professionally. Think about the image you’re ultimately projecting. If you are not communication clearly, effectively and in a timely fashion, then you will create chaos in your environment. If you are constantly in the midst of chaos or hurt feelings or miscommunications and don’t think you are the issue, then you’re probably the issue or your communication just sucks.
Lee,
Nicely put. I recall a NLP presupposition about communication which hits the nail on the head.
“The Meaning of Your Communication is The Response You Get.”
Ooh, I like that phrasing. I’ll have to add that to my repertoire! Communication is a topic I can communicate about endlessly.
I like this phrase of yours, “your outer world is a reflection of your inner being”. Very true.
Reminds me of a Bob Dylan quote; “you can’t give what you don’t have.”
Keep creating…with abandon,
Mike